Has anyone here dated someone with aspergers?

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Has anyone here dated someone with aspergers?


Post by Jesus » Thu Apr 07, 2016 2:35 pm

I'm getting close to this girl who has it and we want to be able to move onto the next step. She constantly tells me she's afraid her abrasiveness would push me away. I have an older brother with aspergers and he can be an ass most of the time but I know he'd mean well. Any advice? She's high functioning and can carry on normal conversations with me and feels comfortable. I know she's ready. But what should I be aware of to make it work?

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Post by Kil'jaeden » Thu Apr 07, 2016 4:52 pm

Be very careful about what you say. Autistic people in general tend to have trouble with anything outside of literal language. Even then the way they parse things is different. A big problem is them misinterpreting something in a bad way. And they are likely not going to tell you, but stew in anger about it for a while instead. Clarify things when you say them. And some here might disagree, but women in general are very language oriented. I don't know how, but they have a tendency to find meaning in things that just isn't there. I am not quite sure if that stacks with Asperger's though.

I have known a female just like this, and as long as I clarified things she would be just fine. I would not say we dated though, we just did some things together for a while. She liked to look around and examine plants. We spent hours one day walking around looking and plants, trying to figure out what exactly what they were. She tended to be blunt, would do things without giving a cue or warning, and seemed like she acted on whims.

I have known some more severely autistic people too; for example one of my acquaintances years ago (friend's friend) had a brother that was high up on the spectrum. And I had the school I went to as a kid try and get me checked for autism or something. In grade school and middle school. I got mad and refused to be checked though, as I resented the idea of being classified as some special category by the school or a doctor. Going down the list of Asperger's traits, I fit almost all of them as a kid. Except that I was not that bad at picking up on obscure verbal and written language and body language. I used to be worse with that with people, but reading a lot helped. I like using double meanings and obscure language myself. I learned cues and motions to get a read on behavior by just watching people. I always liked to observe things to find patterns.
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Post by Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds » Fri Apr 08, 2016 7:22 am

My advice, which has little to do with her neuroatypicality, and everything to do with having a relationship, is communicate with HER about what works for both of you. What she needs will be specific to her, not because she's on the spectrum, just as whatever you need from a relationship will be specific to you, regardless of your brain wiring.

That said, it can be helpful to read reliable information about autism, especially if you ask your lady if she has any resources which resonate with her. It's a "spectrum" for a reason - there are a wide variety of characteristics, and not all of them will be applicable to each individual diagnosed with autism.

When you communicate within a relationship, whether or not your partner is autistic or neurotypical, you should strive to be as clear and compassionate as possible. Be open, and listen. Be reassuring. Everyone has subjects they are sensitive to, and everyone has insecurities, concerns, and areas they can improve.

Good luck, and congratulations on finding someone you feel comfortable with; it's a beautiful and vital thing.
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Post by I REALLY HATE POKEMON! » Fri Apr 08, 2016 9:12 am

I have a friend and he has that. Obviously he and I aren't dating but he is a very normal person, mostly. Well, as normal as any person can be, at least. I don't know how well this friendship advice will translate to dating but simply treat her as a normal person but just be a bit extra patient and that should suffice.

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Post by Jesus » Fri Apr 08, 2016 2:05 pm

Yeah. She's really comfortable with me and we laugh and joke around together. She is blunt at times and direct but I think I actually need that for my own good too. So it does work really well. Freaking brilliant mind she has. She is on the low end of the spectrum. I don't look at her aspergers and see her just like everyone else like you and I. It used to annoy me when people would find out my little brother had autism and started asking questions about him to me in front of him or would talk to him as if he was stupid or something. I show nothing but compassion and she always mentions how much she likes that I shower her with attention. The smiling is contagious too. I think it helps to remember what my mother told me at a young age. Normal is just a setting on a washing machine. Everyone has quirks about them as well which makes them unique.

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